Monthly Archives: May 2013

explaining the undiscovered continent

Because few things are more fun that exploring undiscovered and lost continents…

Notes from the 3rd Guam Xenoarchaeological Expedition

Today we discovered a remarkable passage on partially intact Guamish storage device. It appears to be from a personal journal or diary. (We argued about whether to call the author a blogger or not. It seems obvious to me, but everyone else called it ‘pre-mature as fucking hell,’ so I will bide my time for vindication.)

In any event, we agree that we know now the ancient Guamites did indeed use what some of us affectionately refer to as the “Easter Island guys” for defense. Only the details of how they operate and were moved between Easter Island and Guam remain to be sorted out. Fortunately I didn’t have to remind anyone they used to have hats to make the association of the term “sombrero turret” apparent to my colleagues. (Though I suspect Dr. Applebomber didn’t know and was just playing along to avoid looking any stupider than he does already.) Moving on, we also agree that it seems the training for such duty was highly coveted and rigorous.

Finally, let me present Dr. Zisselfraggen’s translation of the passage:

… and so what if a tree falls and no body hears it, the forests are gone!” I retorted.

The blow came fast and hard, a heavy whip that bruised my lips and made me snarl. My hackles, such as they were, were up and my fingers twitched, eager to make a fist to retaliate with.

He laughed viciously. “Oh yes. Do it. So us all you have the self-control of a pile of shit.”

That brought me up short. I looked at him with a combination of confusion and suspicion. What sort of weird metaphor was that? Shit seemed to have quite a bit of self-control. It just sat there and stank. Was he dumb or testing me?

He realized what a shitty (haha) metaphor he’d made and struggled for control. I struggled not to show the amusement I was feeling.

I failed.

Then, predictably, he failed. Or I’d fallen for the trick and what he did to me no longer mattered, and it was bye-bye sombrero turret dreams for me. Or, I supposed, both.

It wasn’t long after I got over being knocked semi-unconscious that I found out he was dumb and I was still in the program. Now, I just needed…

It’s also with noting the author’s use of scatological humor. I have made a note to investigate the universality of this. Certainly this must be the earliest example of its use.

We are hopeful that our tech, Bernie (I cannot recall his last name), can recover more data from the device, but it was heavily damaged and I count us fortunate to have even these few bytes. What a find!